The Time I Had Crabs

If I was asked to rate my sexual activity on a scale of 1-10, I’d most likely say it was a 4.8. I don’t go out of my way to find sexual partners nor does the idea of hooking up with strangers seem all that appealing. In fact, I’d argue that I’m more attracted to Netflix and cookie dough than I am to men and their nether regions.

Yet despite my self professed chastity, I somehow ended up with crabs. Now I’m going to assume that readers do not want to know any of the nitty gritty details of my whole “living creatures in my genital area” situation so for the sake of both our sanities I will leave it out. What I will say is that genital crabs are something usually transmittable only through body contact…something I had not had in months. So basically what I’m saying is that I somehow inexplicably ended up with crabs despite the fact that people don’t just randomly get crabs (often). I’ll also say that it is NOT an STI or STD or what have you. It’s just like head lice…but like on private parts.

When I discovered the “situation”, I immediately called my school’s health services office to book an appointment to deal with the issue. I had read online that crabs were easily treated with over the counter lotions but I wanted to go to the doctor just to make sure I was correct in my assumption and so that I could remedy the situation. But because university health services are the worst, I couldn’t get an appointment until hours later. And what was worse- I had to explain to the woman on the phone that I needed an appointment because I had “CRABS EVERYWHERE!” Okay so that’s an exaggeration- I didn’t have that many crabs. Just enough to make you want to set everything, including yourself, on fire.

For some reason I thought that if I bought proof of my crabs that I wouldn’t have to undress in front of a doctor. So I brought some of them in a ziploc baggie. And if you were wondering, yes they were still alive and kicking and yes it was mortifying. Unfortunately even after handing those over to the slightly horrified nurse I was still forced to strip down. And the best part- my fears were realized. In fact, when the nurse returned to the room she said “Ooooooo, you got crabs!” I was surprised I didn’t hear a laugh track after she delivered the line.

After the nurse left, the doctor came in. He checked everything out and confirmed that I did in fact have genital lice and called in a prescription for me. It is important to say, however, that this doctor was a fucking asshole. I felt incredibly judged the entire time we talked and I could tell that he thought I was lying about my sexual history. He basically said, “Well like people don’t get crabs from nonsexual encounters so like…#yourealyinglittleslut #whiteboyswiththeirfuckingcrabs”I felt humiliated and embarrassed for a thing I had no control over, for a thing that had been inflicted upon me without me engaging in any risky practices. I was basically slut shamed for not even doing anything remotely slutty.

That night I completely shaved off all of my body hair, applied the cream/lotion and prayed that would be the end of it. And it was. All of the fuckers died. I felt relieved. But I also couldn’t help but find it funny. Out of all the people in the world- of course I was the one who would end up with crabs. I started looking at it as a humorous situation and probably told a lot more people than I needed to. I started making jokes about the situation and began using the excuse “I can’t. I have crabs” for any and all situations.

But the whole situation, especially my interactions with the doctor, made me realize that there is some serious victim shaming going on in the sexual health world. People sympathized with me because they knew I had not done anything that would have normally resulted in me getting crabs. But I can’t help but think that this type of reasoning justifies judgment against those who are more sexually active. I think we have a tendency to morally judge people who have STIs or crabs or what not and convince ourselves that they somehow deserve to have them. Maybe it’s part of the whole attributional bias in which we attribute other people’s actions to internal factors rather than external ones. What I mean is that we assume that these people have crabs or STIs because they are promiscuous, reckless, or immoral. But why can’t we assume its more because of external factors? Maybe the person’s partner lied to them about sleeping with other people and transmitted the STI/crabs from their other sex partner. Maybe this person got crabs from the first person they were sexually active with. We need to give people the benefit of the doubt. And beyond that- we need to realize that no one deserves to deal with a medical condition or any complications brought about by these kinds of situations.

At first I didn’t want to write this article because I didn’t want people knowing that I had crabs. It seemed like too much information.But then I thought- who gives a flying fuck! Yes, I had crabs. Why did I have crabs? Because I somehow got them from someone else from nonsexual contact. How did that happen? I DON’T KNOW! I’m not a different person because I had crabs. It was a one and done thing, like many STI’s are now with available treatments. I shouldn’t feel bad because I didn’t do anything wrong. And while we should engage in safe sex to protect ourselves, we can’t force our own ethical viewpoints on other people. I believe that people have an obligation to be forthcoming with anything they have and have a responsibility to not spread things to unwilling or unaware partners. But beyond that- people should have the right to live their own lives and we should remember that sex and the issues that come along with it are often more complicated than “He/She is a whore! They deserve that STI!”

I secretly think getting crabs was a good thing for me. At the very least it’ll make a great chapter in my fucked up future memoir.

 

 

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The Straight Guy Issue

My roommate has a nasty habit of “woofing” at hot guys he sees on campus. He has difficulty containing himself when it comes to hot straight guys, much like how thirteen year old boys have difficulty not getting boners at the sight of anything slightly resembling a boob. I’ve always held a double standard when it comes to this behavior. I criticize my roommate tremendously for preying upon straight men or hitting on them in social situations but see nothing wrong when I giggle at straight guys or ogle of the beautiful guys in one of my class. And I’ve come to realize that this double standard stems from an issue of power.  I don’t see my behavior as inappropriate because I’m the submissive type whereas my roommate is the aggressive one. If my roommate were to sleep with a straight guy, he’d most likely top them, which a straight man may view as the ultimate form of emasculation. If I were to sleep with a straight guy or approach one for sex, it’d be the opposite. He could have sex with me without it being as damaging to his masculinity. As some closeted southerners say, “It’s only gay if you bottom.”

I think a lot of the tension that arises between gay men and straight men is this notion of masculinity. Straight men may feel that if a gay guy gives them a compliment that it’s an attack or an invasion. They think that all gay men want to have sex with them and become uncomfortable in places like locker rooms. Its as if they fear that gays will suck the masculinity out of them. And before I go any further, I want to say that this is not true of every straight guy. Many straight guys are confident in their sexuality, have gay friends, and are secure in their masculinity. But unfortunately there are straight men who use “fag” as a derogatory way of saying someone is less of a man because of the way they act or who they find attractive.

My relationship with straight guys is a lot like the relationship between a dog and its owner who occasionally beats it. I’m extremely skittish when it comes to interaction and I try to act more masculine in their presence because I don’t want to be mocked or judged. For the most part, however, I encircle myself with girls who provide a safe barrier between me and the men. I’ve found that straight guys are nicer to me when I’m friends with the girls they want to bone or already bone. And I’ve used this to my advantage. But I still have the fear that if the girls are removed from the equation that I’ll still be the object of mockery or cruelty.

I’ve found that tension also arises from the issue of gender representation. It seems to me that straight men do not experiment with gender roles as much as gay men do. Gay men can mix and match male and female clothes, wear makeup or act in a feminine manner but straight men don’t feel as though they can. I can dress up like a woman for a drag show and enjoy it for reasons other than mockery of women. I enjoy the feeling of a wig on my head and how liberating shaved arm pits can be. And for some reason straight men often can’t and perhaps they sometimes become frustrated at how easy it is for us to play with the gender spectrum.

So instead of joining us, they condemn us for choosing to act more like women than men. Homophobic bigots say we’re faggots because we enjoy bottoming or because we watch RuPaul’s Drag and say “YAAAAAAS”. But if I’ve learned anything about gender, its that you get to determine what your behavior is. I can dress like a woman (occasionally) and still be a man because #socialconstructs. Women can play sports and still be feminine or be masculine if they choose to be. We can all be whatever the fuck we want, and fuck whoever we want and it really doesn’t matter! Straight men should realize that how gay men act is not an attack on the way they act, nor is it commentary. Straight guys should act however they want as long as its how they want to act. Little boys should be able to play with barbies and little girls should be able to play Grand Theft Auto so that they too can know the joy of running over innocent civilians. Because at the end of the day, we’re all a bunch of hairless apes floating on a rock in space, trying to navigate having more than 5 people on one Netflix account.

 

 

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Why College Acceptance Rates Shouldn’t Matter

According to the Internet, Northeastern University’s acceptance rate is 31.9%. I try to keep this statistic in perspective whenever I encounter someone incredibly dumb in one of my courses or interact with a student who thinks their brain is worthy of being studied.I also try to remember that college ranking systems are extremely overstated and arbitrary so we shouldn’t put as much weight into them as the school would like us to.

Now, I  would not consider myself to be the brightest of people. Math and I are mortal enemies and I think science is the devil’s magic. But I will say that I’m an extremely passionate student who puts in way more effort than he needs to in order to succeed. I’ve also made it a priority to be active in school Over the course of my three years at Northeastern I’ve been on the executive board of two student groups, performed in plays, wrote for student magazines and this past year I was awarded a Junior Scholars Award, an honor given to the top quarter of Communication majors.

I’m not writing this because I think I’m better than everyone. I’m writing it because I transferred to Northeastern University and would have most likely been rejected if I had applied as a senior. You see, I was not in the top 30% of my graduating class. I didn’t get mind blowing SAT scores nor was my college essay Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire. I was a good student, struggling to come into his own and too immature to really take control of my academic career.

At Northeastern I’ve excelled because I’m finally mature enough to take my academics seriously and I am able to study something that doesn’t make me want to swallow hot coals. But when I  first came to Northeastern I was worried that I wouldn’t succeed because I wasn’t part of that 31.9%. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep up and I was afraid that people would think of me as less capable.

And I can’t say that my fears weren’t somewhat legitimate. At many colleges there is a stigma against transfer students. Some people believe that transfer students are the ones who weren’t smart enough to get into the school in the first place or view them as some sort of foreign intruder. If you go to Northeastern, you’ve most likely heard someone scoff at an NUIn student, saying that they were the last draft pick for Northeastern. The same often goes for transfer students.

I know that if I had applied to Northeastern as a senior that I most likely wouldn’t have gotten in. But that doesn’t make me feel lesser than my peers now that I’m here. I take the same classes, live in the same dorms, eat the same upsetting dining hall sushi. And it has helped me to realize that whole 31.9% thing is complete and utter bullshit.You don’t need to be in the top 30% of your class to excel in college. You just need to be passionate about school and willing to put in the work needed to succeed. In fact, I know certain kids that were the top of their class who know have a C average in all of their courses. And it isn’t because they aren’t intelligent- its that they thought they were intelligent enough to coast through college without putting in any effort. But college isn’t about coasting, it’s about taking advantage of the academic opportunity you’re being offered and I think schools would benefit if they took into account that intelligence and work ethic don’t always go hand in hand.

I think part of the reason why I’ve succeeded at Northeastern is because I’ve wanted to prove to both myself and my peers that I deserve to be here. But after three years, do I really have anything left to prove? Does it really matter where I started out if I walk out of Northeastern with one of their diplomas? My hope is that this article reminds students, both current and prospective, that we are more than some stupid acceptance rate. Just because you don’t get into Northeastern doesn’t mean 69% (or whatever the math is) of students are smarter or better than you. The college acceptance process is way more political than that. So keep in mind that colleges are businesses, often with undisclosed intentions, who exist to make money and build prestige. At least Northeastern exists for that reason.

If you feel judged, prove your worth. Study harder than your classmate and get the highest grade on the test. Be more involved, make your presence more known. Once you’re accepted to the school there’s no stopping you. And on a side note, I think administrators would benefit if they focused a bit more energy on making current students happy. Because at the end of the day no one gives a flying fuck if you have a 31.9% acceptance rate if NONE OF YOUR PRINTERS WORK! Seriously, if you expect people to pay $50,000 to attend your institution you better fucking have working printers.

So in case you’re skimming this article, here’s the main points: Don’t be an elitist fucker, all students are created equal, acceptance rates are tacky, college administrators need to sort out their priorities, and someone needs to fix the printer situation or I will continue to steal all the cereal from the dining halls and write passive aggressive blogs.

 

 

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In Defense of Gay Marriage

 

If you’re over the age of five, it should come as no shock when I say that same sex marriage is one of, if not the most politically divisive issue of the last decade. You may be surprised, however, when I tell you that there is an increasing number of LGBT+ individuals who talk about how same sex marriage is not important and that there are so many other important issues to be focusing on, such as violence toward trans* people, discrimination in the workplace, LGBT+ suicides, etc. They roll their eyes every time we celebrate when a new state legalizes same sex marriage and don’t know how to take a moment to appreciate the little victories.

Well I’m here to tell all those people that legalizing gay marriage is about so much more than just getting married and the plethora of rights that come with it. With regards to the United States, I do not believe that this is an issue that should be left to the individual states to decide; this is an issue that the federal government needs to address with a constitutional amendment. It is a stance that the country needs to take with regards to their citizens that let’s them know that they are being treated equally in this situation. It tells kids that being gay is not wrong and that you shouldn’t be ashamed of whom you are. There are definitely issues that are more serious but as of right now it is the most visible LGBT+ issue and I think that young kids are able to internalize it not only because of how hot of a topic it is but also because they don’t have the ability to comprehend more complex issues yet. I personally get very uncomfortable when people say that marriage equality isn’t a big deal. No matter how many times children’s parents or peers say that being gay is okay, as of right now the government is telling them differently. The government, which is the institution that ideally is supposed to protect every citizen of that country is marginalizing an entire population and letting them know that they are not equal. Maybe if children were able to have 100% confidence in the fact that being gay is okay, there would be fewer of other issues as well such as LGBT+ suicides and bullying.

It all comes down to creating a society and culture that doesn’t view LGBT+ individuals as second-class citizens. Nobody is trying to actively suppress the other issues, but I believe that when you dig a little deeper, the root of every LGBT+ injustice stems from the fact that being LGBT+ is viewed as being deviant and as a negative. We need to work to change this mindset if we have any hope of correcting every injustice that LGBT+ people face, and legalizing same sex marriage nationwide is one step in the right direction. Eventually the older generations will pass on, so with each new generation that is born, we must instill in them the proper values and code of ethics that we want to see in the brighter future that we all dream of.

Jon Zhang

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What I Learned From My Break Up

This past September my first real relationship came to an end. And as you can imagine the breakup wasn’t a pleasant one. In fact, the conversation ended with me sobbing hysterically in my bedroom as my ex walked out of the door and out of my life. To this day we haven’t spoken and while I think that there will come a time that we can, I don’t think that day has come.

My ex did not know that I had wanted to break up when I told him that I wanted to talk. Just a few days earlier we had gotten into an ugly fight but afterwards we had smoothed things out and appeared to be no worse for the wear. Unfortunately, that wasn’t true for me. I so desperately wanted to convince myself and him that I could make things work. I felt that after nine months of dating and after the kindness he showed me that he deserved my best effort in salvaging the relationship. I realized, however, that it would be impossible for me to salvage the relationship because I was no longer present in it. I was no longer the person I was when we had started dating. For whatever reason, I was no longer happy when we were together. I didn’t miss him when we spent weeks apart and I found myself snapping at him and acting like an all around miserable person. I was constantly anxious and irritated, overwhelmed by my feelings of confusion regarding the relationship as well as my growing depression.  To put it simply, I hated who I was when we were together.

I’m not the romantic type. I don’t feel comfortable with PDA and I’m not one for adorable gestures or gift giving. My ex is the opposite. He’s the kind of guy who drop everything for you if you needed him to and he loved showing people how much he appreciated them. And part of my anxiety stemmed from this feeling that I was always playing emotional catch up with him. When he first told me he loved me, I told him I didn’t feel that way yet. Whenever he showed me affection I struggled with being able to reciprocate it. And it made me feel like I was defective. I felt like something must have been wrong with me, that I was incapable of expressing love or giving love. I felt like I was broken, only capable of being loved until the other person wised up enough to know I’d never be able to return it. And worst of all, I felt like I was a waste of time. I can’t even verbalize the guilt I felt over our relationship, specifically how I felt that he deserved so much better than me.

My ex made it very clear that he loved me and that he knew it would take time for me to open up more. He said he was patient and willing to wait for me. But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let him wait for me to become the type of boyfriend he deserved, especially when I wasn’t sure if I’d ever even become that type of boyfriend. The last thing I wanted was to make him wait around for something that was never going to happen. And you know, when we first started dating, I always feared I’d end up the villain. And unfortunately I feel like I did. I feel that I wasted his time by not releasing him sooner. While we had good times, I knew early on that the relationship wouldn’t last forever. But I think I held onto the relationship because I didn’t want to end up the villain. I wanted to convince myself that I would make things work, that I would end up being as romantic and affectionate as needed, and that I wouldn’t have so many hesitations. That never happened though. But I find some comfort in knowing that my intentions were complex, not ill. I didn’t set out to hurt him, it was an unintended side affect of the issues I have going on. And just knowing that I didn’t try to hurt him, that I did have good intentions, reminds me that maybe I’m not as broken as I thought.

It is strange to no longer have someone in your life who meant so much to you. My ex was the first person I loved, the first person I had sex with, the first person who made me feel like I was desirable enough to be wanted. And while I’m sad how things ended and that we haven’t spoken, I am grateful for the relationship. Even though things ended badly I don’t regret being with him or let the breakup color my feelings about him. I’ve realized that in relationships we learn  a lot about ourselves and while this was a painful lesson, I am thankful for it.

I’ve been on my own for almost two months and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I’m less anxious, more upbeat and feeling less existential about whether or not I’m “good” or “evil”. And while it would be nice to have a guy buy me dinner or tell me he loves me, I think I need some time to do those things for myself. This is my selfish stage, the time where I find out what I want and how I can go about getting what I want. I don’t have time to factor someone else into the equation and I’ve accepted that I don’t have the emotional energy to be with someone else. And that doesn’t mean I’m broken. It means I’m not at a place in my life to be anything else than a friend, student, son or brother. And I’m okay with that.

 

 

 

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The Definitive Ranking of DCOM Halloween Movies

11.  Return to Halloweentown

How dare Disney replace the incomparable Kimberly J. Brown with that cheap mermaid whore Sara Paxton! Casting issues aside, this movie is just not a fun entry in the Halloweentown series. The added characters are uninteresting, the plot is a convoluted, cheap knockoff of Harry Potter and the characters you like are barely present in it. Grandma Aggie is only in one scene which is a SIN and Sophie isn’t even in it! BLASPHEMY!

10.  Halloweentown High

For starters, this movie doesn’t take place in fucking Halloweentown! No, instead of giving us Benny the cab driver and some sinister warlock villain, Halloweentown High gave us a weird plot about knights and ethnic cleansing. Like  Return to Halloweentown, tries way too hard to be a social commentary/legitimate film which just isn’t how DCOMs work . The only good thing about the film is how much Grandma Aggie is in. And let’s not forget Sophie only appears in one scene- but that’s  because the actress who plays her did not age well.

9. The Scream Team

I’m extremely biased when it comes to this movie- mostly because I loathe Kat Dennings and hate anything having to do with colonial times. Despite Denning’s atrociousness, The Scream Team has a good cast, with Kathy Najimy and Eric Idle and that dude who voiced the dad on Proud Family. Unfortunately, that isn’t enough to save the movie from shitty kid acting and the boredom of a villain named Zachariah.

8.  Twitches Too

Twitches Too isn’t a bad movie. Its just not nearly as fun as the first film. I don’t really remember anything that happens in this movie. All I know is that “Twin witches, twitches!” is a fun thing to say and Tia and Tamera are beyond flawless!

7. Halloweentown 2: Kalabar’s Revenge

Halloweentown 2 is good for several reasons, most of them being that Kal is hot as fuck. Well at least 8 year old me thought he was. Beyond that, this movie is a lot darker than its predecessor. It’s like how everyone loved how cute Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone was and then how terrified people were after the spider scene in Chamber of Secrets. So yes, it’s darker and not as whimsical, but at the very least “ATRAPA” is fun to say.

6. Don’t Look Under The Bed

Don’t Look Under The Bed gets such a high rating because it is one of the most terrifying movies in existence. In fact, it is so terrifying that Disney no longer plays it. The scene when Larry becomes a boogeyman is horrifying and I remember having nightmares over Francis’ dreams about the boogeyman. In fact, that boogey bitch could be her own season of American Horror Story. I hope you’re taking notes, Murphy.

5.) Under Wraps

Released in 1997, Under Wraps is a DCOM most likely unfamiliar to most high school and early college students. But that doesn’t mean it’s not the tits. For starters, the story of kids befriending a sweet Mummy is adorable. And this movie introduced me to the song “All By Myself” which I lip synced to as a drag queen so it has some sentimental value. I don’t really remember much of the film but it didn’t have Kat Dennings or Sara Paxton so it has to be better than some of the other films on this list.

4. Twitches

Twin Witches= Twitches! Twitches is a great DCOM movie. Its funny, well cast and based on a book series no one ever read. The movie balances humor and action quite well and the special effects are not too shabby for a TV movie. But really this movie gets a high spot solely because of the goddess Mowry twins.

3. Mom’s Got A Date With A Vampire

Who doesn’t love this movie? It’s got Aunt Hilda from Sabrina the Teenage Witch for christ’s sake! The film is fun, a bit scary, and has Craig from Degrassi who was my crush from 2003-2007. Really, that’s the only reasons I have for this film being so high on the list and I’m okay with that.

2. Phantom of the Megaplex

Phantom of the Megaplex is one of the best Halloween, if not best DCOM movies in existence! Its fun, campy, full of mysterious and starring the wonderful Mickey Rooney. I remember the excitement that came with watching the film for the first time and trying to figure out myself who the Phantom of the Megaplex is. With a fun cast, hijinks, and a cameo from the girl who made out with a hot dog from Mean Girls, this movie is perfect!

1. Halloweentown

When I think of DCOM Halloween movies, I immediately think of Halloweentown. It’s a staple in every 90 kids childhood. With its messages of tolerance and embracing who you are, Halloweentown is pretty deep for a kid’s movie. The film introduced us to Aggie, a woman we wished was our grandmother and Marnie, a girl we can all relate to.  And let’s not forget how terrifying Kalabar is! While the special effects in the film may be laughable in comparison to today’s standards, the film is fresh and exciting every time you watch it.

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25 Original Slutty Halloween Costumes

 

Last year we wrote an article about original slutty costumes we’d love people to wear. Here is our continuation:

1. Slutty “Broom Broom I’m In Me Mum’s Car” Girl

2. Slutty Subtweet

3. Slutty Quesadilla

4.  Slutty “Information Desk Person” Emoji

5.  Slutty Ebola Victim

6. Slutty Person Offended By Said Slutty Ebola Victim

7. Slutty Doritos Locos Taco

8. Slutty Inspirational Humans of New York Top Commenter

9. Slutty Solange Knowles In An Elevator

10.  Slutty Hot Pocket

11. Slutty Feminist

12. Slutty Girl Confused About What Feminism Is

13. Slutty Hun Cal Fro Yo

14. Slutty Starbucks Barista who is just NOT having it today

15.  Slutty Jaden Smith Tweet

16.  Slutty Kabbalah Monster

17. Slutty Prancercise Lady

18. Slutty Food Court Sample

19. Slutty Doctor’s Office Couch

20. Slutty Aunt Jemima

21. Slutty Agatha Christie Novel

22. Slutty Scantron

23. Slutty “Hi I’m Paul” monkey from the end of Jimmy Neutron episodes.

24. Slutty Celeb Nude Leaks

25. Slutty Uber Driver

 

 

 

 

 

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