Star Wars Jedi: In Order of Hotness

*DISCLAIMER: This article does not include female Jedi because I am a homosexual and they are all far too fabulous to be able to rank (looking at you Shaak Ti). Also this list DOES include Sith because Darth Maul gives me life.

14.) Plo Koon

I’m sure that Plo Koon is a lovely gent but that doesn’t change the fact that he looks like what every gay man imagines a vagina to be. He looks like a wide range of terrifying things- the facehugger from Alien, a brain, a giant beetle, and an uncooked Christmas turkey. I’ll be seeing you in my sexual nightmares, Plo!

13.) Kit Fisto

Some people might think Kit Fisto is cute. I, on the other hand, think he looks like something straight from the depths of hell. I mean what kind of bottom of the sea dwelling, Whoopi Goldberg hair stealing, Elphaba wannabe is Kit? He also looks just like the mask from the episode of Goosebumps with Carlybeth and I am just not having that.

12.) Ki Adi Mundi

Ki gets bonus points for having an on-point eyebrow game, but beyond that he doesn’t really have much going for him. He looks kind of human but he also kind of looks like the sole of a foot meets those Conehead bitches. Also, if you watch the movies he was kind of douche-waffle- so yeah, NEXT.

11.) Eeth Koth

Eeth looks like a guy who had a run in with a nasty ass STI. At first glance he looks kind of human but then after a double take you’re like WTF IS GROWING FROM YOUR HEAD! I guess he has pretty eyes though?

10.) Agen Kolar

Agen is literally Eeth’s clone but with a chiseled jaw and a magnificent butt chin. Fix your hair though, bitch!

9.) Emperor Palpatine

Emperor Palpatine looks good for his age- I mean he is like two thousand years old, right? Evil sith lord aside he’s just not a looker. I know his hideous face is the result of severe electrocution but you’d think they’d have better plastic surgeons on Coruscant. He looks exactly like dried out Play Doh and that is NOT a compliment.

8.) Luke Skywalker

Luke is the chosen one… so it’s unfortunate that he is kind of “meh” in the looks department. He serves Supercuts realness and his whole persona screams “I’m gay, but like not in a way that makes me appealing to homosexuals”. What does that mean you ask? I really have no idea. I just don’t like him. Sorry. No logic needed.

7.) Count Dooku

Okay, so Count Dooku is an old man. But like if you Google “young Christopher Lee” you can see that he was pretty dope when he was younger. And Count Dooku had to be young at some point so let’s just assumed he looked like this. Also, he’s British which makes him hotter by default.

6.) Mace Windu

Finally, a character of color who is actually a human! Mace is kind of cute if you’re into the whole cue-ball look which I’m not really a fan of. He’s also kind of old and kind of mean which are both turn offs, but he has a purple lightsaber which is pretty hot. And Samuel L. Jackson is a bad ass- so he deserves this spot.

5.) Obi Wan Kenobi

Obi Wan would be higher up on this list if his personality wasn’t so dick shriveling. He’s aways uptight and regularly condescending which makes him unappealing. Like we get it Obi, you’re right, so can you please  SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW?! Also, I’m not a huge fan of his beard. It’s just not my thing #sorryboutit

 4.) Darth Maul

FACE IT EVERYONE- Darth Maul is hot! I mean sure he’s not human and now he’s pretty much just a torso- but if you can look past those things you can’t deny how sexy he is. He’s like a sexy Satan with those devil horns and weird tribal markings on his face. If you’re reading this Darth,  you can double light saber me any time.

3.) Qui Gon Jinn

Qui Gon is sexy…in a dad kind of way. He’s smart, confident and bossy, just how I like them! He also has some magnificent hair and is played by Liam Neeson who is the ultimate badass. It’s such a shame he got killed off so early.

2.) Anakin Skywalker

Before I write this one, let’s be clear that I acknowledge that Hayden Christensen is the worst thing about Star Wars a part from Jar Jar Binks. Let me also say that Anakin is a whiny, pessimistic, cocky, annoying, bland Jedi. With that being said…he’s so HOT! He has a six pack, a random facial scar and his whole “I could randomly force choke you at any moment” look is strangely attractive in a Fifty Shades of Grey kind of way. I can only dream I had been in the middle of his sexual encounters with Padme.

1.) Yoda

Yoda is the best character in Star Wars. He’s the only one to see through the bullshit, has the most intense lightsaber duels and is cute as shit. So yes, he deserves spot #1 and yes if I met Yoda I’d let him do weird freaky sex things to me. And yes, I was trying to ruin your childhood just now (*cue you beginning to imagine me engaging in coitus with Yoda)

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Why We Need To Stop Thinking We’re So Special

As the kids of America (whoa), we’re told that with enough hard work and determination that we can become whoever want to be. Our parents encourage us to pursue our passions and remind us on too many occasions of how special we are and how much we have to offer. And then one day we’re expected to know our life calling. Society expects us to have our shit figured out and to fully assimilate without fully understanding how the world around us actually works. We stumble into college majors we know nothing about, only to discover that perhaps it isn’t what we wanted, that is of course after completing too many credits. We reach for internships and jobs we don’t have the personal connections to land and we find ourselves in entry level positions  living just to pay the bills.

The issue with being told that we’re special and important is that we expect our life to be somehow reflective of that. We don’t want to just work an entry level job. We want to be important, we want to have our existence recognized and we want to feel like we’re making our life actually count. But perhaps the sad truth is that we really aren’t that special. Maybe we aren’t meant to be known worldwide or have a Wikipedia page. Maybe we’re just meant to work a safe job, have a family and some close friends and live out our days that way.

It’s impossible for me not to feel as if I have something more to offer the world than some people. Which is an incredibly narcissistic and self obsessed thing to believe, I know. I don’t want to just live and die. I want to live a life of creativity, a life worthy of being remembered. And it’s not enough for me to live a simple life surrounded with people who love me- I need to be recognized. I need to feel like I made an impact beyond just the people I loved. But what scares me is that this is probably something every other American twenty-something thinks and feels. And it’s disheartening to think maybe that little voice inside me that tells me I’m meant to do something much more is just something all American youth have been brainwashed into having.

I dream of many things. I dream of being a TV or film writer. I dream of someday being interviewed by Chelsea Handler for God knows why or walking on a red carpet. I dream of thousands of people reading this blog on a daily basis. And I try, I honestly do, to make my dreams become a reality. But it’s discouraging when you see others stumble into success unintentionally. Like the girl from my town who ended up placing in third on American Idol. I mean of course she was talented, but I can’t help but to think she was somehow lucky to end up in the position that she was in. It’s almost as if success is just one fucked up lottery where certain people end up with a better ticket. And it almost makes me want to give up completely. No matter what success I have, it’ll never compare to the success of others. And I know we’re told not to compare ourselves to others- but let’s be honest, it’s something we all do. It’s just difficult to tell if you’ve come to the point in your life where you need to get over this inflated sense of self and learn to be content with the life you have.

I’m trying to find success within my self. I’m doing my best to be happy with what I have while striving for things that are actually within a realm of possibility. Maybe it’s enough that a few hundred people read my blog a day. Maybe it’s enough to work a “so so” job and live modestly. We only have one life- and it’s better to live an average one than to entirely waste it wishing you had something better. And I’m only 21 years old- I know I have a lot more years to be more cynical about this kind of stuff. So I might as well enjoy what I have while I have it- because it’s only a matter of time before my metabolism switches off and I gain 400 pounds from all of the carbs I eat.

 

 

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4 Rules of Friendship

Adolescence is a breeding ground for unnecessary drama, and I like to think of myself as a no-BS kind of guy. True friendship is one of the greatest treasures in life, but certain friendships aren’t always smooth sailing. Some people insist that there are no rules to friendship, and things that are meant to be will be, but too bad those people are wrong. There are some basic ground rules that I think you learn with age and by the time you’re about 20 years old, they should be intrinsic knowledge that doesn’t ever need to be explicitly stated. If you don’t know the proper way to act by that age, you probably never will. No, I don’t mean rules like “true friends wear matching socks on Tuesdays”, I mean more along the lines of common courtesy and etiquette. For example, “don’t hang out with my boyfriend without me”. Here are my personal “10 Primary Rules of Friendship” that are not only restricted to the younger generation, but that also can apply to people of any age (There are exceptions to every rule of course, but I’ll leave those up to you to decide as you come across them in your everyday life):

1. Don’t make me work

In the words of Wendy Williams, “I love friendship, but I don’t like a lot of maintenance… cuz I’m BUSY!” A friendship should be very easy and straightforward. Why would you willingly spend time with someone who complicates your life or stresses you out? Maybe they gossip about you behind your back, maybe they make snide remarks about your outfits sometimes, or maybe they just complain too much and are total Debbie-downers. Whatever the reason, I don’t have the time to waste on people I don’t enjoy hanging out with. If you’re causing drama in any way, shape, or form, don’t expect me to hang around you for much longer. Which brings me to my second point…

 Friendships change like the seasons.

I am a firm believer that there is a time and a place for every friendship, as well as a reason and a season. As much as our favorite childhood TV shows might choose to disagree, friendships don’t last forever. They come and go, and the sooner you accept that, the happier I think that you will be. Some people are just not good for you. They might have been at one point: you had so much fun going to parties and making bad decisions together during freshman year, but as you got older, your interests have changed and now you don’t seem to click with the same crowd anymore. The nature of every single friendship changes over time. Sometimes it works out, and other times it doesn’t. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with either situation but learning to let go and move on seems to be very difficult for some people to do. I am a firm believer in breaking up with your friends (not unlike with a significant other) if the time comes. Don’t be an ass about it, but don’t beat around the bush either. Tell them the truth (don’t expect them to take it well), and your life will be easier in no time at all once you move on.

Don’t try to save a dying friendship.

There are two main types of dying friendships. The first one is pretty natural: Your interests change over time and you start seeing each other less. It’s not that you dislike each other’s company, but there are just new activities you’d rather be doing and new people you’d rather be hanging out with. The second one involves one or more parties putting a strain on the friendship with their actions. Someone is being selfish, rude, annoying, etc. More people need to learn how to cut toxic people out of their lives, instead of insisting that you can save the friendship and ultimately causing yourself more stress. There is a trend I’ve noticed with young people that involves them trying to keep every friendship they’ve ever had alive. The idea of wanting to hold onto a friendship “for old times sake” or to not hurt anybody’s feelings is so dumb to me. Toxic people do not need to be in any part of your life. Each situation is different, but you will know what I mean when you come across it. If they’re showing their true colors by repeatedly crossing the line with you, then it’s time to dump them and get on with your life. Straighten out your friends, don’t take crap from anyone, and don’t let anyone disrespect you. You deserve better and you have the power to make it happen.

You don’t need to be friends with everyone!

Say it with me: you don’t need to be friends with everyone!!! Why do I have to be friends with you just because you live down the hall from me? Why do I have to be friends with you just because you live with my best friend? Why do I have to be friends with you just because you have never done anything wrong to me? This may sound a little harsh, but I honestly do not want to be friends with everyone. In fact, having too many friends and having to please everyone by being nice all the time sounds really exhausting to me. I used to be one of those people who didn’t ever want anyone to dislike them, but the reality is some people don’t like me, and that’s perfectly okay. There are many people that I don’t like either. I see a lot of people who try to become friends with everyone they meet, which is great, but then they end up not liking some of them. The problem arises when the people whom they don’t like turn out to want to be friends, but they feel obligated to be nice and hang out with them because the precedent was already set.  There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be friends with someone. It’s great that you don’t want to be an asshole, but if you don’t enjoy somebody’s presence, don’t keep hanging out with him and pretending that you like him. Nobody wants to be seen as rude and insensitive, but your own happiness should be more important than the desire to not hurt anybody else’s feelings. Otherwise, where does that leave you? With one million friends and a frown whenever you see half of them. We all know what it’s like to be on both sides of this situation, and it definitely sucks when someone you want to be friends with doesn’t reciprocate those feelings, but you’re still alive and have hopefully moved on, so was it really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things?

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Why Coming Out Will Never Be Easy

One of the unforeseeable downsides of homosexuality becoming more socially accepted is that people assume that coming to terms with a minority identity becomes easier. People think that because we come from families who are loving and supporting or a community where being gay has been normalized that it’s possible to automatically accept who we are. And what’s worse- people assume we’re being overdramatic or needy if we make an issue out of our sexuality if they see no reason for us to do so.

The reality of the situation is that being part of the sexual minority will always be something that takes time to adjust to. Being different is often times a hard thing, regardless of whether or not that difference is something accepted. And that’s because none of us really want to be different. We fear that by being different that we’re harder to relate to or more susceptible to ending up alone.  We don’t want to have to sit down and trace how our differences will take us down an alternate life road from the rest of us. To an extent it’s a lot like being assigned to a different teacher than your friends in elementary school- sure the other teacher may be great or even better but you can’t help but feel cheated by being left out.

It took me several years to accept my sexual identity, despite how obvious it may have been to other people. It’s not an overstatement to say I was a feminine kid who had many characteristics that are seem as being “stereotypically gay”. I was clearly very different. And yet- I struggled with being different. I struggled with it because it meant that my future was uncertain. I couldn’t live my life with the whole “go to college, get married, have kids, grow old” mentality. And because such a small section of the population is gay I constantly questioned my own sexual urges. I thought to myself, “There’s a 90% chance that I’m straight. Those are high odds” despite the fact that I clearly wasn’t.  I didn’t want to out myself or call myself something that would separate me from others…especially if I wasn’t even sure.

Sure, things are a lot easier for me than they were from someone growing up in a different time or place. I’m pretty much accepted by most people I meet, though I still get occasional side eye from random people. But I think there will always be something that feels slightly off. I’ll always feel a little out of place when I’m in a place with solely straight people and I’ll feel strange when I’m somewhere with only gays.  It feels a lot like recess where you want to spend time with both your friends from your other class and those from your own.

I sometimes jokingly say that I need to audition for Real World before being gay is no longer considered trendy. It’s strange to imagine a world where being gay is something that neither hinders me or gives me some card to play to get ahead. But unless the number of gay people somehow grows tenfold, we will always be living in a straight world.  Gays will always be different- which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But coming to terms with being different will never be the easiest thing- no matter what world you think we live in.

 

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The Definitive Ranking of Avengers

Hulk

The Hulk is essentially every drunk college frat douche but green. He runs around a lot, mumbles incoherent phrases and smashes things just because he can. And when he’s not green, he’s just a passive aggressive scientist named Bruce. Not impressed.

Hawkeye

Hawkeye is pretty much the most useless of the Avengers. Sure he’s talented with a bow and arrow but he lacks the strength needed to actually be a formidable opponent. Also he’s like 5’7- and I’m 5’7- which means he’s pretty much the size of a hamster.  Let’s just save that crossbow for a much better hero: Katniss.

Nick Fury

So Nick Fury isn’t technically be an Avenger…but he is played by Samuel L. Jackson which makes it impossible for me to not include him on this list. Nick may be kind of a douche, as may Samuel L. Jackson, but he rocks the eye patch and he’s impossible to kill.

Thor

You know when there’s a really hot guy in your class that you totally want to bone until you hear his voice and how stupid he is? That guy is Thor. Sure he’s a god and has biceps that make me quiver sexually just by thinking about them, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t dull as fuck. He’s just not interesting- even when shooting lightning from the sky or throwing a hammer. Natalie deserves better, Thor!

Captain America

In my opinion, Captain America is by far the hottest of the Avengers. With that being said, he’s kind of a whiny bitch and his overactive moral compass can be quite irritating. Also his main power is throwing a shield which is cool but also like what? He’s less annoying than Thor though so he gets spot number 3.

Black Widow

For some reason I don’t like Scarlett Johansson. It’s probably because I think she’s not as pretty as everyone says…but it could also be that I just hated her character in Home Alone 3. Anyways- she’s BAD ASS in the Avengers. She’s cunning, witty and she can knock you down in a second. She may not have her own movie, but she’s definitely one of the most fascinating and compelling Avengers out there.

Iron Man

Iron Man is the greatest avenger solely because Robert Downey Jr. is the best. He’s funny, complex and he built a fucking flying robot suit which is super impressive. Sure his suit may malfunction from time to time but he’s the only one on the team besides The Hulk who is remotely intelligent. He’s essentially the Spencer Hastings of the team and God knows how much I love Spencer.

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The Tragic News I Learned While Watching Ugly Betty

Last night, while I was watching Ugly Betty, I stumbled upon the most unsettling of updates. I found that my suite mate, Taylor, was assigned a roommate, which is something neither of us anticipated. And not only was this intruder infringing upon our fundamental right to have an apartment to ourselves- he was a heterosexual! That’s right- as of right now our new roommate is a glasses wearing heterosexual who works at a Wendy’s! I can only think Gay God is punishing us (but mostly Taylor) for our past wrongdoings.

I always knew that getting a new roommate would be a possibility. I mean we do live in a three person apartment and Northeastern is a communist institution which means they’d never let only two people live in it. But I never thought it would actually happen!

As soon as I learned of this news, I ran to Taylor (AKA I shouted from my bedroom) and informed him of our impending doom. We began to think of all the ways having a roommate would change our living dynamic. We would no longer be able to blare Beyonce at 1AM, or be able to have manic episodes or reenact classic Real Housewives brawls, and we certainly wouldn’t be able to have our apartment looking like the set of Girls. And by that- I mean we couldn’t be nude 24/7.

Taylor and I have become quite accustomed to our way of living. We appreciate the freedom to have people over whenever we want (which we never do because we have no friends) and we like being able to share things without worrying about whether or not it is returned to us. And while it is certainly nice to expand your horizons, we can’t help but feel like we must take preventative measures and oust this bitch for he even gets here.

It shouldn’t be too difficult. I mean once he knows what it’s like to live with us (mostly Taylor) he’ll be running for the hills. In fact, Taylor and I decided to brainstorm a list of reasons why Taylor is HORRIBLE to live with. We highlighted Taylor’s living habits (and how his bedroom looks like a crack den on Hoarders),  his sleeping habits (he sleeps 14 hours a day, but can’t fall asleep until 3 am) and his overabundance of snacks that could come crashing down on us at any moment. And we briefly touched upon some of my own shortcomings- such as my inability to close cabinets and my tendency to eat jars of peanut butter in a single sitting.

Like 60 year old Republican males, we’re comfortable with our way of living. But I’d like to think we’re courteous enough to forewarn our new roommate of the frustrations of living with us.  We’re essentially the roommates from Hell and it’s best our new roommate learns that before he unpacks all of his bags. But if he does come, we’ll somehow survive- I mean, I’m not sure Taylor will, but I have a single so I’ll be okay.

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A Series of Unfortunate Dates

I’ve dated three people in total. And by dated I mean, “I’ve eaten food in the vicinity of a gentleman who was of the homosexual persuasion at least once”. It’s also important to say that every date was the result of some form of online dating, whether it be Ok Cupid or Tinder, because I apparently have no luck landing a man outside of the virtual world.

To be respectful, I will not use any real names in this article. I will just describe all of these people intimately (which may be even more invasive). My first date was with a gentleman who had an unpronounceable name. Gentleman #1 was a nice guy. And by nice, I mean nonthreatening- because if you play Quidditch you’re incapable of being sexually intimidating. He was a film student at a nearby school who loved Quentin Tarantino, obscure nightmare music (read: German metal) and getting philosophical about bad TV shows.  It’s also important to say that he looked like a bulldog. And I know that’s a mean thing to say but it’s painfully true…besides, he defriended me so it’s not like he’ll read this.

For our first date we ended up going to see Zero Dark Thirty…because nothing screams romance more than the killing of Osama Bin Laden. Following the date we walked around and chatted for a bit before it was time for me to head back to school. What resulted was an extremely awkward standoff in which he stared intensely in my eyes while I waited to see if he would make a move. And after three minutes of incredible awkwardness, I decided to act: I turned to him, said “Well this is awkward”, gave him a pat on the back, and got the FUCK out of there.

The next day my friend convinced me to text him and say I had a good time. He immediately responded by asking me out on another date. And because I’m incapable of telling people no I agreed. Twenty minutes before the date I realized I had no interest in actually seeing Gentleman #1. But as I am a woman of my word I decided to go. But because I am also a ball-busting bitch, I also asked my friend to “bump into us” so that I wouldn’t be stuck with him for two long. After an hour of the three of us awkwardly conversing in Starbucks, I made up an excuse as to why the date needed to end and sent him on his way. About a week later he asked me if I was free on Valentine’s Day. I said “no” and that was pretty much the end of that. A few weeks later I noticed that he had defriended me, but it was all good in the hood because I was more interested in women than I was in him.

Date #2 happened a month or so after the great bulldog fiasco. This time around I met up with a Tinder match…because it was the trendy thing to do. Gentleman#2 was much cuter than Gentleman #1  in a Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater kind of way. And by that what I mean to say is that I’m 90% sure my date was on drugs when we were together. What was supposed to be a real date turned into us hanging around in a food court for an hour or so before he bailed on me for a concert. Despite some level of physical attraction, we couldn’t have been more opposite. I was clean cut, fem as fuck, and against the  over-consumption of the cannabis and he was an overactive, party obsessed skater who occasionally foamed at the mouth. He was also a bisexual who had never dated a boy, which made me wonder if he was fully comfortable with dating guys.

Immediately following the date I received a text from him saying that he had a great time and hoped to meet up again soon. And while I didn’t think we were the most compatible, he was cute enough for me to want to bone so I agreed. A few days later I texted him to see how he was doing and he became extremely unresponsive. At one point he stopped responding altogether. And to say I was annoyed would be an understatement. I became that annoying person obsessed over being ignored, even if it was by someone I had little interest in. I couldn’t wrap my head around why he pulled away so I did my best to try to win back his attention but with no avail. After about a week of little response I finally decided to give up, binge eat Ben and Jerry’s and move on with my life. We’re still friends on Facebook though and he watches my stories on Snapchat so he can SUCK MY ASS.

My third date was with my current boyfriend. I guess it must have been good enough.

 

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